If I don't know how to make myself useful, I make sure everyone else is laughing.
I started my career in advertising as an account management intern at EVB and, for the first week, had absolutely no idea what I was doing. So instead of secretly watching reruns of the Tonight Show, I started writing a daily email series to contribute to agency culture. The Creative Director thought they were funny, and after a month, he asked me if I'd like to try copywriting. Here are a few "episodes."
Episode 2-12: Pay Day
5/14/15
The News
Nebraska is currently trying to abolish the death penalty. Instead, they'll be adopting the much worse, "Alive but in Nebraska" penalty.
American Airlines are expected to officially take over US Airways sometime this fall. If history is any indication, the merger will probably be delayed.
A recently published study indicated that the best way to convince people to stop smoking is by bribing them. And by "stop smoking," I mean "do anything ever."
Columbia has turned their noses up to the U.S.'s demand to kill cocaine crops. In other news, Miami can continue to exist.
Woody Allen recently admitted that his upcoming TV series will be "a cosmic embarrassment," but it can't be worse than NBC's "The Slap." Ray Rice is a terrible actor.
This Day In History
1973: Nolan Ryan pitches his first no hitter
1800: President John Adams orders the federal government to be housed in Washington D.C.
2015: Pay Day
2015: B. B. King passes away at 89 years old. I can't wait for the sad song he's going to write about it.
Too soon? Yeah...but I'll leave it in anyway.
Weird Holiday of the Day
Today is Chocolate Chip Day!
But that's not as important as the fact that...
Today is also Pizza Party Day!
Everyone loves pizza parties, and if you don't...
Oh, it's also Bike To Work Day.
Most of us already missed that. We'll do it next year.
Fun Fact About Macho Man Randy Savage
Randy Savage is the guy who put Slim Jim on the map, and their main factory, TIL, shut down permanently the day the Macho Man died. Coincidence? I think not...
But it probably is.
Arranged Marriage
Aquarium experts are apparently setting up "honeymoons" for penguins to instigate breeding. Here's a farcical english translation of their conversations.
http://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/penguin-honeymoon?mbid=rss
The big takeaway here is that Aquarium Expert is a real job that people have.
Episode 2-13: George Costanza
5/15/15
The News
Burundi's president has been ousted in a coup. Most Americans would have to Google two words to understand that last sentence.
Senate Democrats apparently shot down President Obama's trade bill. But they passed Obamacare, so at least he'll be able to get the knife in his back checked out.
Toyota and Nissan have recalled 6.5 million cars due to airbags that won't inflate. For something that's designed to blow up in your face, this is really blowing up in their faces.
This Day In History
1804: Lewis and Clark embark on their excellent adventure
1972: The first American Olympiad took place in St. Louis in conjunction with the World Expo
1998: Frank Sinatra sings his last note.
I can't verify that, actually. He just died, but in my mind his death was very dramatic and sing-song-y.
Weird Holiday of the Day
Today is Golf Day!
Golf day is in the middle of the week when everyone is working. Makes sense.
Today is also Chicken Dance Day!
This is so ridiculous that any joke I'd think of would be painfully bad.
Fun Fact About Macho Man Randy Savage
Macho Man refused to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame unless his brother, Lanny Poffo, and his father were inducted with him. This refusal lasted for almost a decade. Once Randy passed away, his family decided to let him be inducted, anyway.
Resume Steroids...
Before I got this awesome internship at EVB, I was involved in the long and arduous process of finding a job. During my search, I conducted a thorough inventory of my skills and generated a list of professions at which I would certainly excel. That list can be found below.
*Disclaimer: As far as I've been able to determine, none of these professions are viable employment options for me. That's why I'm here, I guess...
Body guard to child actor who's career will never take off
Do-over middle-schooler
Small monkey taunter
Small monkey taunter taunter (To keep him on his toes)
Small monkey taunter taunter regulator (To make sure things stay above the belt)
Sleep-study buddy
Cool, crushable substitute teacher
Very unprofessional wrestler
Hospice assassin
Cow tipper
Brand ambassador for ferret Benadryl
Brand ambassador for being cryogenically frozen
Brand ambassador for loose cigaret salesmen
Brand ambassador for head transplants
Sounding Board
Idol for weird teens
Third wheel
Mid-movie plot-explainer
George Costanza
Billionaire playboy who is not Batman and has no ambitions to be
Episode 3-18: MallHark
6/30/15
The News
Forever 21 recently made it's way onto a list of the 10 worst companies to work for. The explanation simply read, "millennials."
California will vote on whether or not public school students will be required to be vaccinated. If the law passes, the drought is expected to be fixed by the tears of anti-vacciners.
The SCOTUS have decided that lethal injection is constitutional. Which is actually how anti-vacciners read that last story.
This Day In History
1936: Gone with the Wind is published.
Spare me...
1953: First Corvette built
1859: A daredevil crosses Niagra Falls on a tightrope.
That wasn't in the comics...
1975: Cher marries Greg Allman
1962: Sandy Koufax pitches his first of three no-hitters.
Weird Holiday of the Day
Today is Social Media Day!
Good thing there's a day for this. Otherwise, we all would've forgotten to use social media.
Today is also Meteor Watch Day!
Meteor Watch Day: A real waste of time.
Fun Fact About Pee-wee Herman
After noticing that most people rode bikes around the studio lot, Reubens asked for his own bike. He he got a 1940s Schwinn, and he loved it so much that he scrapped the initial draft of the script he was writing for Pee-wee's Big Adventure and wrote a new one about the bike.
MallHark
I'm currently working on a line of painfully honest cards for any occasion. Birthdays, anniversaries, weddings, graduation, promotions, condolences. You name it, there's a painfully honest card for it. Here are some examples to whet your appetite for painful honesty.
Birthday:
"Happy anniversary of your expulsion from the birth canal."
"Here's 5 bucks"
New Baby:
"Congratulations on squeezing that small human out of your lady bits."
"Should've adopted."
"Hope you signed a prenup."
Promotion:
"Congratulations. You're going to work more and have to take medication for stress."
"Forget about your family. They own you now."
Condolences:
"Well, that sucks."
"I couldn't want to be you less."
Personal Death:
***These are cards you include in your will to be given to your various loved ones upon your death.
"You were my least favorite."
"You were right. I thought your husband was a chach."
"My greatest regret in life was letting my daughter marry you."
"I'm glad we didn't die in the same bed like that stupid Notepad movie."
"It sucks that I died."
"This is a postmortem card..."
"Don't give any of my valuables to the kids. They'll just ruin them."
Misc.
"You up?"
***For 3 fair payments of $89.95, the entire collection can be yours!